“I live with my parents.”
I honestly never thought would phrase would describe my life, especially at 26 years old!
Yet here I am, married with two kids, and living in what’s essentially a glorified tent in my parent’s back yard. On our combined ten acres, there are my Mom and Dad, me and Cody, my sister and her husband, a total of five kids under the age of six, five dogs, and two cats. And one shared shop and like eight vehicles between us all. We’ve been in this situation for over two years now, and in that time I’ve learned a LOT about my own identity and multigenerational living.
Old Habits & an Identity Crisis
In 2016 when Cody and I got married, we were both 19 years old and itching to be out on our own as an independent family. Make our own house rules, not have to ask permission to paint or remodel, and go about our day without letting our parents know what we were up to. You know, the normal stuff that most kids look forward to when they grow up.
But we were dirt poor starting out, both being in college and not having enough income to afford an apartment in our area. Fortunately my folks had a very old fifth wheel trailer in their front field (they lived on an acre and a half at the time), and they were kind enough to let us stay there rent-free while we got on our feet. Dad said that their blessings were handed down from their parents, and it was now their duty to bless us, as it would be our duty to someday bless our children.
Of course we were grateful for their generosity! But at the time I was still in the thick of trying to figure out my new identity as an adult and a wife, particularly when it came to my relationship with Mom. I struggled hard to make that break from needing her permission and approval for everything I did, to being confident in making my own decisions and taking responsibility for my own actions.
Unfortunately, old habits die hard and I had some pretty bad ones. I somehow managed to always get into heated arguments with Mom, usually about how I didn’t have enough privacy and how she was judging me – which, looking back was total projection on my part. I was always wandering over to her house whenever I was bored (and she was always happy to see me!) and here I was getting mad that she wasn’t giving me enough privacy? Looking back, she rarely gave me her opinion unless I asked for it, and then I’d get mad about her opinion if it differed from my own (an example of me not being confident in making my own choices!). Bless that woman, she put up with a lot of nonsense from me that year…
Moving Out on Our Own
Cody and I knew from the start that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and we decided it wasn’t wise to waste the time and money for me to start a career just to drop it in a year or two, so I dropped out of college and got a regular job at a farm store. We were able to move into town, and we jumped from place to place for the next two years (check out Our Story for more details on that season of our life).
My troubles with Mom got much better with a little space between us, I think mostly because I actually had to live in my own house and act like, you know, a grown up. I learned to make more of my own decisions without running them past my parents and instead discussed things I was unsure of with my husband. Cody and I spent many a late night discussing values, perspectives, and most importantly how our attitudes compared with what the Bible said. I know I’m blessed to have a husband who leads our family well. Mom likes to joke that he finished raising me lol.
Having a baby sure changed my perspective on a lot of things! Slowly but surely, I started realizing why my parents did the things they did, and I ate a lot of humble pie for all the “I will never…” and “I will always…” comments that I’d thrown around back when I thought I knew everything. Boy, a lot of maturing happened for me during that time! The relationship between Mom and me became more like friends and less like a parent/child. I started to find a good balance between asking her for advice from her years of experience and figuring things out on my own. Our parents truly have so much wisdom to offer, if only we’re willing to listen. They’ve lived longer and therefore experienced more, and they can often help us avoid the same mistakes they made! The older I get, the more I appreciate what they have to say.
Moving Back In?
Then in the Summer of 2021, Mom and Dad bought 5 acres in the middle of logging country. It’s a beautiful piece of countryside, surrounded by trees and creeks and a river! Around that same time, Cody and I had started looking at moving back out to the country, but everything was waaaay out of our budget… and that’s when we got the crazy idea of building a yurt at my parent’s place!
Of course, it wouldn’t be a permanent situation. We could sell our house while the market was high, camp out with my folks on this dreamy piece of land, and someday when things were more affordable we could buy our own property. Everyone from both families was on board with the plan. Surely it wouldn’t be too bad living next to them again for a little while, especially since we wouldn’t be living in a cold, dilapidated trailer. I would stay in my own home, mind my own business, and go about life like normal. Simple.
Except it didn’t end up being simple. Through an amazing set of circumstances, Cody and I were able to work out a deal with the owners of the 5 acres next door to trade our house in town for their bare land. It was landlocked and only accessible through my parent’s driveway, so it was useless to those folks but perfect for us! Now we could build on our own property, with plenty of trees for privacy between us and my folks, and far enough away that I wouldn’t be tempted to spend all my time over there.
Only problem was, now instead of living in our house in town while we built a yurt in their field, we had to move in with them for the five months it took to clear the site and build the yurt on our land. Mom and Dad’s house had a garage that had been converted to a sort of second living room, and they gave us that big space to call our own. They were in the process of adding a bathroom to it, but it wasn’t done yet.
All those old identity frustrations I thought were behind me? Yeah it didn’t take long for those feelings to kick back in once we all started sharing a kitchen and a bathroom! Without the 15 minutes of physical distance between us keeping me in my own home, it was so tempting to be in the main house all the time. I felt like I was gritting my teeth every day trying to resist the urge to hang out with the rest of the family, because by golly we were our own family and needed to be in our own space and stop relying on my parents for everything! And if I caved and brought PJ over for dinner with them when it had been a long day and Cody was late at work, I felt like somehow I was failing to be a real adult and take care of my own family. And I started to worry that maybe we’d made a massive mistake…
A Fresh Start and a Change of Perspective
The day we moved into the yurt was glorious – 450 square feet never felt so huge! I had my own space again and I was determined to stay in it. And I did pretty good for the first two months… until I got pregnant again.
When I’m pregnant, I become violently ill, all day every day, for at least the first 4 months. Suddenly I was trying to entertain a 2 year old all day along, and cook all our meals on a wood stove, and wash the dishes by hand, all while throwing up every half hour and living in a state of constant nausea and overwhelming fatigue.
Once again, Mom came to the rescue and opened up her home to me. She said to feel free to come use her dishwasher, come nap on the couch and let PJ watch TV, and join them for family dinners so I didn’t have to cook so much. At this point I didn’t have the energy or even the desire to object, and I spent much of the next 9 months next door when Cody wasn’t home to help out.
Occasionally an argument would break out between me and Mom, but our two families had a lot of good conversations over the course of that year about the future of our properties, how entangled we wanted to be in each other’s lives, and we discussed the concept of multigenerational living. When my little sister and her husband decided they also wanted to live full time on The Compound (as we affectionately call our combined properties) and moved into our old space in Mom and Dads’ garage, we roped them into these discussions too. We discussed which spaces would be kept private for each family, which ones would be shared (like the big shop), and how we would keep communications open and civil if anyone had a problem with someone else.
By the time the baby was born, I was no longer trying to fight the urge to go next door. It had dawned on me that my identity as an adult and a wife and a homemaker was not dependent on us staying in our own house, doing our own thing, independent of my parents. What made me an adult was my attitude about the situation; being respectful of their house rules, not taking advantage of their hospitality, balancing spending time next door with the responsibilities in my own house.
It’s only taken seven years of marriage and two kids… but I think I’m finally growing up!
Benefits of Multigenerational Living
When I first started telling people I live on my parent’s property – which is technically true, because due to a miscalculation we accidentally built the yurt smack dab on the middle of our property lines (oops!) – I found myself bracing for a judgmental reaction, like it was something to be ashamed of. Which is funny, cause I never got a reaction like that – everyone I talk to thinks what we’re doing is awesome!
Now two years later, whenever I bring up our living situation with someone new, I enthusiastically advocate for the benefits of multigenerational living! Here are just a few:
- Childcare – As of now, I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old, my parents have 5 year old twin foster kids (they’re actually getting permanent guardianship, but that’s another story), and my sister has a newborn baby. Each week, my mom takes my kids for a full day and I take her kids for a full day, that way we each have a child-free day to catch up on housework or just take a break. If something comes up unexpectedly, one of us is usually available to watch kiddos for a couple hours. And between everyone in the family, there’s always someone home to hold a baby if my sister or I need to take a quick shower!
- Family Meals – We all have a standing invitation to make family dinners at Mom and Dad’s house (as long as we help with dishes!). We take turns providing ingredients and cook in bulk, which saves time and money for everyone. And it means Mom and I can work together to watch the kids and get dinner on the table on the days when both of our husbands are gone in the evening.
- Built in Friends – With this many cousins living so close together, all of our kids have built-in friends right here on the property! They all get to grow up together with parents who share the same values and won’t let one be a bad influence on the rest. It’s all the benefits of having a lot of kids, but you get to send half of them home for bedtime! And for the grown-ups, there’s always another adult around to talk to when you desperately need a break from talking to toddlers.
- Character Building – Everyone has issues. Some are more frustrating than others. When you live on your own, it’s easy to avoid people with irritating quirks, but when you all live together and have shared property that you’re all invested in, you HAVE to figure out ways to work out your differences, or else the whole thing will blow up! You have to learn not to sweat the petty stuff, and you have to learn to work through the big stuff without getting upset. You learn that good relationships are more important than clear walkways in the shop, so you stop before you send that angry text to your sister and you just move the bag of cat food out of the way yourself, cause you know that you’ve probably inconvenienced someone else at some point and you need to give the same grace that you want to receive. These habits bleed over into all your other relationships and just make life all around more pleasant.
A Shared Vision
Obviously for a situation like this to work smoothly, everyone has to be on the same page. When it comes to developing a multigenerational mindset in your family, I highly recommend Joel Salatin’s book Family Friendly Farming as a fantastic resource! It’s specific focus is on farming, but the concepts apply to anyone who wants their family to be at the center of everything they do. This book truly revolutionized the way I looked at independent family units, the importance of involving the younger and older generations in your work, and the important roles that each member of the family plays in everyday life. I won’t get into all the details here, but you should definitely get a copy and everyone in your family should read it!
We are blessed that everyone in my family shares the same general vision and values. Whenever there’s a serious disagreement between the families, we first look to the Bible for guidance, which usually gets us to the heart of the issue. We may not always agree on the specifics, and we try to leave room for each other’s differences. But we all acknowledge the importance of giving each other the grace to make mistakes and always working toward improving our relationships with one another – and that doesn’t mean we’re always perfect at that either! But the core value is there and with time we get around to forgiveness and reunification.
Our ultimate vision for The Compound is to eventually earn a full-time income from it, ideally one that can support all the families living here. Is that a realistic goal? I don’t know. If it is, it’s still years away. But in the meantime we’ll continue working alongside one another, sharing meals and games and movie nights, and together raising the next generation of our multigenerational homestead.
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