Growing Our Family

Tonight there are four kids sleeping in the downstairs bedroom in the yurt.

It’s a tight squeeze. Pj is in her twin-size bed, Little A is in her mini pack ‘n play, and the twins (I’ll call them J-Girl and J-Dude) are in kid-sized sleeping bags on the floor with a few quilts around them for extra warmth.

J-Dude is a little restless, so Mom (or Grandma, as she is to the kiddos) is sitting on the couch in the living room until he settles. Pj and J-Girl were whispering back and forth for a while, and I had to shush them a few times before they finally fell asleep.

Now everything is quiet, and a soothing peacefulness has come over the yurt as Mom and I sip decaf coffee and chat in hushed tones about homestead plans and cabin designs.

It’s been an evening we’ve been looking forward to for four years. But understand the significance of this situation, I’ll have to fill you in on the last three years of our journey with the twins.

Meeting the Twins

In 2019, Cody and I joined a program called Safe Families for Children, which is an organization that partners with local churches to provide temporary childcare respite to families in crisis situations who feel their children aren’t safe with them. It’s kinda like foster care, but it’s all voluntary and there’s a much closer relationship between the parent and the host family.

Shortly after joining, we got our first placement – 15-month-old boy/girl twins whose mom was in an unsafe housing situation. We brought them home to our house in town, bought a couple of booster seats for the table, and set up two pack ‘n plays in the spare room.

This was our first experience with parenting, and to say we were naive would be an understatement! We had no idea what to expect from a 15-month-old, let alone twins. J-Dude couldn’t crawl and would scream every time you left his sight, and every time J-Girl felt uncomfortable she would crawl to the corner, lie on her back, cross her arms, and pump her feet up and down (girl had some serious core strength!). Neither one of them responded to their names.

But like I said, Cody and I didn’t know what to expect, so at first we assumed this was just a normal variation in childhood development. However, over the next few months, we realized that these kids had some pretty serious physical and social/emotional delays. We also quickly discovered that their mother had some significant mental health issues that Safe Families had not been made aware of.

My mom was a huge help to us during that time. When I was six years old, I was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome and ADHD, so she already had a lot of experience dealing with abnormal childhood behavior and gave us good advice for coping with the stress. She came to visit frequently, and that was when she started going by Grandma Katie (we went by Mama JoJo and Daddy Cody). The twins loved her! I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s awesome.

Becoming A Foster Family

After three months of us hosting these kids, their mom took them home. We were all quite distressed to see them go back into that situation, and due to her unstable mental health, we figured it would only be a matter of time before DHS officially got involved. We were right.

Two months later, right before Christmas, I got a call late in the evening. It was someone from Safe Families saying that DHS had pulled the twins that night and they were wondering if we would be an emergency foster placement until they could find a permanent situation for them.

Unfortunately during those two months, I had become pregnant (and violently ill with all-day-sickness) and we had started the house remodel. Our house wasn’t safe for them, and there was no way I’d be able to give them the care that their special needs required.

Still, we felt we had an obligation to give these kids a safe and loving home, even if it was just for a few days. We called my folks and discussed the situation with them, and we agreed to stay at their house for a few days and take care of them together.

But after a few days, no foster placement could be found that was willing to take them long-term. Dad said there was no way he was letting these kids bounce around the system, so he and Mom signed all the paperwork and became foster parents. They went by Grandma and Grandpa. After everyone got settled in, we moved back home and went by Aunt JoJo and Uncle Cody.

The next two years were hard and full of ups and downs. It quickly became obvious that they had both been emotionally neglected by their mom since birth, especially J-Girl. Both twins needed several different types of therapies every week to start catching them up developmentally, and they were both diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which manifested in J-Girl being under-attached, and J-Dude becoming over-attached. He developed EXTREME separation anxiety from Grandma, and she was up most nights with him. J-Girl wouldn’t receive comfort from anyone.

But over time the love and care and therapy started to pay off. They started learning communication skills and catching up physically, and our whole family learned techniques to help them regulate their chaotic emotions.

Pj was born the next spring and the twins absolutely adored her! We came over often to help Mom out, and we babysat the kids at our house once it was safe for toddlers again.

The twins’ mom’s condition continued to deteriorate (likely schizophrenia, based on her behavior), and after a year the court decided to move to an adoptive plan. We agreed that Cody and I would adopt them, so we started going by Mama and Daddy and we worked with their therapist to transition their main attachment from Grandma and Grandpa to us. We were told that to avoid a traumatic transition, we should plan on six months to a year of increasing our involvement in their care (and reducing Mom’s involvement) before they would be ready to start living with us. It would be a long road, but it was one we were willing to take to give them a normal family.

A Change in Plans

But that plan didn’t last long. After two years of them living with our family, the twin’s biological father – who had until now insisted that the kids weren’t even his – suddenly decided that he wanted custody!

This caused all kinds of chaos. To make a long, complicated story short, the twins did not want to live with their dad, and J-Girl would scream and cry every time she had to go to a visitation. J-Dude didn’t mind the visits, but he kept asking why his dad was trying to take them away from Grandma and Grandpa. After every visit, my parents would spend them next couple of days navigating extreme behaviors and emotional disregulation. It was obviously not a good situation, and on top of that, this guy had a lifelong track record of poor choices.

The next year was full of court battles and lawyers and trying to fight for the kid’s best interests in a system that cares more about reunification-at-all-costs than the well-being of a child. Their bio-dad wouldn’t listen to the kid’s CASA (court appointment special advocate) or their therapist, who were both testifying that if he tried to remove these children from their home, he would traumatize them forever. The kids were utterly terrified of having to leave everything they had ever known, and he didn’t seem to understand.

But finally, after a year of emotional roller coasters (and a few overnight visits at his house where the kids stayed up half the night crying for Grandma), bio-dad finally acquiesced to a guardianship, which would give us custody while allowing him to retain visitation rights.

Due to the intense bond the twins developed with my parents over this time, we had stopped trying to transition their primary attachment to Cody and me and just focused on helping them feel secure and loved where they were for as long as we could. At this point, we figured they had been with Mom and Dad for so long, it would be too hard to make the transition anyway.

Mom and Dad were granted the guardianship, but since Cody and I still played such an important role in their life, we were written in as immediate back-up guardians in case anything ever happened to them. This all happened around the same time that we got the property next door to my folks, which allowed us to be a daily part of the twins’ lives.

The guardianship was finalized almost a full year later. Part of the deal is if either of the bio-parents want to have a relationship with their kids, they have to initiate it. Their bio-mom is currently working to get an ongoing supervised visitation set up, but it’s been difficult because of her ongoing psychosis and paranoia. Their dad hasn’t reached out to contact the kids since their last overnight visit… over a year ago.

Working Through Tough Feelings

The day we told the kids that the judge said they could stay with us forever was possibly the best day ever! Almost immediately the stress and tension left their bodies, and you could tell in the weeks that followed that they were finally allowing themselves to feel secure again for the first time in a couple of years.

J-Girl has spent more and more time over at the yurt playing with Pj and Little A and asking to help me with chores and such. She’s even started asking for Daddy instead of Grandma when she feels sad! Given her history, it was already a miracle that she was able to form a healthy attachment with one caregiver, and it looks like she’s well on her way to forming strong bonds with us as well!

J-Dude has been doing a lot of processing lately. While he’s relieved that he doesn’t have to leave Grandma and Grandpa, he’s been asking why his dad hasn’t tried to see him. Gosh, what do you even say to that? And while both kids still enjoy their visits with their mom (they’re not really old enough to understand her mental illness), the long term sustainability of this relationship remains to be seen.

The other night when they were getting ready for bed, J-Dude asked my mom, “Grandma, how can I be special if I don’t have a mom and a dad who want me, and I only have a grandma and grandpa?” And that just broke my heart.

My mom and I talked about what it would look like if the twins called my folks Mom and Dad instead of Grandma and Grandpa. But the twins have always seen them as grandparents, and the rest of the children their age in the immediate and extended family also see them as grandparents. My mom was afraid that they would struggle to see them as their own special parents when all the other grandkids are in and out and around all the time getting loved on too.

Obviously it was time to have a talk with the kiddos.

Becoming Mom and Dad

So two mornings ago, I took all the kids on a hike in the woods, and we had a good chat. I began the topic by casually asking how they’d feel about Cody and I being their mom and dad.

J-Girl said yes without giving it a second thought, but J-Dude seemed a little confused. “Well, I already have a mom and a dad…”

So I explained to them that there can be two kinds of parents: the ones who bring you into this world, and the ones who raise you and care for you and tuck you in at night. Your first parents will always be special to you. But sometimes, when your first parents can’t take care of you, you can choose new parents to raise you and be your Mom and Dad.

J-Dude thought for a moment… then asked, “Will Grandma still be my grandma?”

I assured him she would be.

Then he smiled and said, “Then yes, you and Daddy can be my mom and dad.”

Then they wanted to know if they could have a sleepover at the yurt, and I said sure why not (to which Pj responded with great joy and excitement at the prospect of ongoing sleepovers!).

They spent the day playing at the yurt , as they often do. J-Girl was happy as could be and mentioned several time that said she wants to live here forever.

That evening we figured out where everyone would sleep. My mom helped me dig out their sleeping bags and we made up little beds for them on the floor next to Pj’s bed. I tucked everyone in for the night, and J-Dude said he missed Grandma, so she came and gave him a kiss and promised to stay in the yurt until he fell sleep.

The next morning I made everyone breakfast and took them to school (after we went next-door and said good morning to Grandma of course!). J-Dude was very proud of himself for being brave and having a sleepover away from Grandma. J-Girl wanted to sleep here again tonight, and at first J-Dude wasn’t sure he wanted to (I think he was a little homesick last night) but he also didn’t want to sleep on his own at Grandma’s house, so he said wanted to try to be brave again and sleep in the yurt (and then he heard I was making pancakes and bacon the next morning, so that closed the deal lol).

They were excited that Daddy would be home from work in the morning, and they went down even easier (Grandma was requested to stay until they fell asleep again). I kissed them goodnight and J-Dude said, “Goodnight Mom.”

Tonight they slept here again, and we discussed ongoing bedding options. Cody’s thinking about building a mini-loft over the pack ’n play for J-Dude and getting the top bunk of Pj’s bed set up for J-Girl. Hopefully soon we’ll build a cabin with more rooms, but for now we’ll try to make the best of the space we have.

A Future Full of Family

Now obviously it’s only been a couple of days. I fully anticipate ups and downs and more big feelings from both kids while they process their unique place in the world. Maybe after a week or so the novelty will wear off and they’ll want to go back to sleeping at Grandma’s house, or maybe they’ll want to sleep here often enough that we’ll have to figure out real beds and how to fit more of their clothes into the closet. My folks are already shopping for beds to fit all of the grandkids at their place too. In the end it will likely be an organic ebb and flow arrangement.

And that’s the beauty of multigenerational living! My parents and we both have an open-door policy, so all the kids can run back and forth between the yurt and the house as often as they want, making it easier for them to bond thoroughly with each member of the family. We have good communication lines established between the adults and regularly discuss parenting tactics to make sure everyone is on the same page. And we eat dinner together nearly every night, so each evening we all get a chance to regroup and share how our days have been.

It’s definitely a different kind of situation, considering the complicated legal arrangement, but for now the kids don’t know the difference. We’ll still try to keep in touch with their bio-mom (as long as it’s safe for them) since they have a preexisting bond with her. I don’t know if we’ll ever hear from bio-dad again.

But for now, this situation is giving them a mom and a dad, a grandma and a grandpa, and two little sisters (with the potential for even more siblings!). And our family is always gonna love on them like they were born to us, no matter what happens.

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